TAKE ME OR LEAVE ME

Official RENT Blog contributor Rori Nogee shares how RENT truly changed her life.

“Take me for what I am. Who I was meant to be. And if you give a damn, take me baby, or leave me.”

It sounds like such a simple thing, doesn’t it? To just be yourself and not give a second thought about the opinions of others? I always understood this notion in theory, but my school years made it very difficult to practice the whole self-acceptance thing. Kids can be cruel.

I figured that college would be the place to really focus on finding myself and to meet other open-minded free spirited individuals. Instead, what I found myself focusing on was a beautiful leather-jacket wearing, motorcycle riding, tattooed pointe ballerina with the grace of Baryshnikov and the raspy voice of my fearless idol, Daphne Rubin-Vega. (I wouldn’t be surprised if Mila Kunis’ character in Black Swan was based on this chick.) I couldn’t take my eyes off of her when she walked into a room, my heart beat faster in her presence, I sweat in secret places and I even had recurring dreams about her. I didn’t understand why. Why was I so consumed by her when I was also crushing heavily on one of the guys in my theater department?

I confided in close friends and eventually realized the simple truth: I was attracted to this girl. While that conclusion was scary and confusing, it was not helped any by the ultra-conservative white bred atmosphere that surrounded me in upstate NY. Rumors spread. I was teased, tormented, ostracized, called names…and of course, the girl that I respected and admired and thought was sooo beautiful…was fearful of me because of what she had heard, because I was too afraid to just come out and tell her the truth myself. I felt like a derelict, like something was horribly wrong with me. How could I love two people at once? Of different sexes?? And should I apologize to this girl because…I thought she was amazing? I wished I didn’t love so hard. I wished I could change. I wished I could just be like everyone else.

So, I did what I always did when times got tough…I hopped a bus to NYC, bought a ticket to RENT and sought solace whilst sitting on the lime green stoop of the Nederlander Theatre. It was so familiar, so comforting, such a constant in an ever-changing and uncertain world. That night, when I saw the show for the umpteenth time, the lyrics and music and messages that I had memorized back in the 8th grade… were life-changing. Suddenly, the depiction of same-sex relationships on stage was a marvel.

Kendra Payne as Joanne and Rori Nogee as Maureen, performing "Take Me or Leave Me" at the Charleston Music Hall

Angel and Collins fell deeply for each other at a time when everyone in the gay community was treated like a leper because of the AIDS epidemic (a feeling I was all too familiar with on a social level). Yet, despite the impossible circumstances surrounding them, their love knew no bounds. Then, there was Maureen. Ah, Maureen. So flawed, so fickle, and yet… so loved. She captivated Mark and Joanne as well as the thousands of people in the audience. She sang right to Joanne’s face in her “take no prisoners” voice: “Take me for what I am/Who I was meant to be/And if you give a damn/Take me baby, or leave me.” No guilt, no apology, no compromise. She wasn’t perfect by any means, but she was a complete package, she OWNED her shit, and she was not willing to change for anyone. What a concept!

This rang true for all of the loveable characters in the show with their flaws and insecurities: Mark was introverted and disconnected from everyone around him, Roger was constantly brooding, in denial about his emotions and his love for Mimi, and Mimi battled with her addictions. Yet, the audience cried for these characters, envied them, celebrated them, reveled in their uniqueness, their passions, and most importantly, their devotion to one another in the face of poverty and looming death. It’s what made them human. Then, like a cartoon, a light bulb went off over my head as I realized…there is nothing wrong with me.

At that moment, the cast lined up in a single file line at the front of the stage and sang those famous lyrics, “Measure your life in love.” It was as if they were speaking right to me. It all made sense. Love was about a person’s soul, not their gender. Man, woman, straight, gay or somewhere in between…love came in all forms. Love is love, man.

It’s been a long hard road to self-acceptance, and I’m certainly not there yet, but thanks to RENT, I am well on my way. I will never again apologize for my feelings. While I have made my share of mistakes and bad decisions, you can’t choose who you love. It chooses you. All you can do is accept it, accept yourself for how you feel, and not be afraid to express it. Life is too short to waste it on worrying what other people might think about you.

Still, whenever I start to doubt myself, or hear the never forgotten jeers from people who were not my biggest fans, I close my eyes and replay the goosebump inducing song, “Another Day”: “There’s only now, there’s only here/ Give in to love, or live in fear/No other path, no other way/No day but today.” And I remember that wherever I am in life, whoever I am, and whomever I love…is perfectly okay. Roger was lucky to get one last moment to say to Mimi, “I should tell you/I should tell you/I have always loved you…,” but not all of us will get that opportunity if we spend our lives hiding in shame and silencing our hearts.

Rori

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